Over a month ago I quit my meds. Now, before you start getting all opinionated and certain you know what is best for me hear me out. And, whatever you do, if you're on meds don't start thinking that my way is the way to go because you're a completely different soul with different circumstances that are in no way related to mine.
It started out as me forgetting to take them. Life is a little busy around here and I forget things. When I realized I had forgotten for about a week I took an assessment of my life at that time and wondered if I really needed the medication anymore??
I decided to do a little experiment and see what life without the meds would be like. I was not willing to commit either way at that point I just wondered.
I'd like to share with you what I've experienced.
The days are about the same but I do feel my emotions much stronger. I have cried a little more often which really isn't that often but previously I rarely cried. I like crying. It's nice to express my emotions. Not that my meds made me numb I still felt emotions just not as strong and present. I cried at church yesterday as I listened to a talk. It was nice because it allowed me to really dive into what I was feeling. I also cried Friday night as I watched the movie Ramona and Beezus. Right now you're thinking, sweetie you need to get back on that med, but you're wrong. In a later post I'll explain why I cried as I watched the movie and then you'll understand where I'm coming from.
I've also felt joy. I'm a generally happy person doing silly things so this isn't out of the ordinary but it's nice to know that even with out my med (at this time) I can feel joy.
I will say I am more quick to anger and frustration and I've started swearing in my mind. Not actually out loud but I know that if the swearing continues in my head it will soon be spoken. I need to get this under control.
I've also noticed my brain can't seem to keep information in. This could be due to many things going on around me but I have noticed I've been more of a flake this last 30 days. Sorry to those of you that have been recipients of my brain lapsing.
Yesterday, I finally fessed up to Kjel that I'm off my med and he had little to no opinion. That may be because I requested that he have no opinion. I asked him to look at this open minded and give it some time. I specifically shared with him that I was in no way saying that my relationship with medication is over I'm just experimenting.
Some of you may be thinking, I knew something was different, or maybe you're thinking I'm being stubborn or stupid. You may notice that at times I keep more to myself or even hide from activities (like the ward party) that require effort that I can't always give.
Something is different and I am stubborn so you're absolutely right. Stupid, though well I did dumb things when I was on my meds so going off doesn't change a thing in that arena!