I little while back I posted that I'd dumped my meds and was going commando. I'm starting to wonder if that was the right decision. See, lately I'm just all over irritable and fighting some anxiety. I've been chalking it up to other occurrences in life and putting the blame elsewhere but tonight I sit and wonder if the blame is actually in my corner of the ring. Maybe, it's actually me that needs to make a change? I'm starting to see little glimpses of personality moments that remind me of a place I don't want to be.
Some of the things I'm noticing in me are that I want to move away from everything. I'm looking for ways to seclude myself from the world. I think, rethink and then sit up at night thinking about and analyzing every moment of my daily interactions with people. I'm overly concerned with how I look. I don't want my kids to touch me or hug me. I'm extremely short tempered and often have to hold back my emotions of wanting to bust people's heads in. Wow, there's some ugly truth.
I long while back (many years ago) someone was chatting with me about medications and she said something to me. It haunts me. She didn't realize it was actually about me. I'm not upset with her. Never was. It just keeps popping up in my mind. I know it's ridiculous and even though in a sane mental state I can put her opinion and the opinion of the doc she was quoting into a a box and throw it away I still let it creep into the dark cavities of my mind and taunt me.
I started Sunday Smiles not because I fart rainbows and wanted to share my constant joy with the world but because I wanted to recognize the joy I have in my life. Lately, I've noticed that Sunday Smiles is waning. It's not so much that I'm in a constant grumpy mood but that I just don't smile like I used to. I'm not finding happiness in the simplicity of life.
So who am I? I like that girl who is happy and smiles but am I really that girl or is that just a lady who is on mood altering meds and not really dealing with her life? Maybe this is just a swing and I'm on the down low and tomorrow morning I'll wake up on the high end reaching for the sky ready to let go of the chains and fly.