I built it. Daily I gave it the attention it needed to carefully prepare the foundation. I spent time building the bricks by hand and then ever perfectly set each one in it's specifically designed resting place. As I built I didn't realize what I was creating. The structure was carefully fabricated to be certain only one would fit. Throughout time I've walked into it's depths. It is a dark and grumbling place. There is only the sound of a mind ticking and creating thoughts. Light cannot enter due to the skillful construction. Sometimes I was sneaky and would only visit. Since the time the structure was created, many years ago, it has always been available for visits. Different periods of life have left me trapped inside unknown that I had been captured until my release and final freedom. This last year I slowly walked into it's cavern again. It was just about this time last year that I found myself in control of nothing and certain I had a grasp on everything. I spent lots of time listening to the sounds of thoughts created and agreed with. I personally took on the responsibility of punishing myself for any mistake the mind could create. I sat in it's confines and stewed. The strange happening is the safety that I felt in this punishment. I was enveloped in a trap and was simply secure. Months went on with my family suffering and close friends uncertain of the happenings in my life. Being confronted only left me confused for I had found safety. I was secure and couldn't understand the questions I was being asked so I dug deeper into the crevice and held myself. Incited by my loving husband and eager to prove his inaccuracy I sought help. Oh the darkness that settled in as I began to see the bricks and mortar raised up around me. What once had brought such safety could now be seen as the reality of what it was; a trap. I was stuck inside this small structure and unable to find even a small hole for my release.
There are many names for what I was experiencing and many degrees at which it can be experienced. Some only step in for a time and then are able to move past, others never experience the confines, sadly there are many that are stuck, they are suffering in silence and may not even be aware they are in a trap. Then there are those begging to be released. As I was struggling I was able to attend a 12 step program sponsored by the LDS church. It was here that I met so many wanting to be released. Our challenges were different. Our vices were different and as we overcame together we hit bumps together and we succeed together. I've never been in a room so filled with Love. (the L is capitalized because I knew the Love was from the Lord.) I gained a greater understanding of His Love for me. Through these steps and the individual counseling I received and after many months of hard work I wedged a small hole into a side of the trap. I could see light. I could feel it and it begged me to come out. The darkness is strong and the sounds of the mind and the thoughts so easy to agree with, scream and pull. Each morning arrived with me making a decision. Which way do I go? Some mornings I didn't. I settled into the hole and pulled the covers over my head. I refused to fight. Fighting is hard it hurts and it zaps your energy. Other days would check in and somehow the little light would shine into the deep crevice and bring me hope. I would remove the covers that were gripped in my hands and make my way to beginning a day. As I continued through this process with the help of professionals with degrees and professionals without degrees I found the days improving.
I am now at the point where the past experience is a memory. It's not faded but it's not a daily struggle. It rarely appears and I've done all that I can to destroy the structure. At times I find myself preparing the foundation, but, because of the tools I've been given and the spirits around me I am able to recognize what is being created and quickly destroy the beginnings. Today I was listening to some music and it reminded me of what I've lived through. I wanted to share the song with my story for any interested parties. All is well because daily I work to create wellness.
Here is the link and then click on the song This Day.