If you read the title with one ounce of negativity then read it again with a smile on your face.
Today I listened to my baby's heartbeat. I've done this four times before so it could be deemed as uninteresting or common place; been there done that.
On October 20th the test stared at me with immediate answers. I had spent the weekend in Park City with my friends and I was certain I would start my period. I kept cramping and thinking okay just start already and let's get this one over with. There may be those of you that have fond memories of menstruating but I tend to log it under get it over with. I was one of those lucky ones that started early and have been going strong since. I don't skip periods unless I'm pregnant. Even when I'm nursing I get right back to business 6-8 weeks after the baby has arrived. I know it's a blessing to menstruate. It's one of those things that if it wasn't working I'd be devastated, but, since it works great I just grit my teeth and get it over with. I never started. I got home and was sure it was coming and then... never started. So Monday morning Adi forced me into a pregnancy test. I think I was worried if I took one I'd be wasting my money and I'd essentially start that night so why not just wait. I'm a follower and it doesn't take much to talk me into things so I ran over to her house and surprise... Positive. It's taken many weeks to have this settle in mind. My baby is 5 and even though I was certain I was supposed to have another my husband was sure our family was complete. I had pretty much settled into the idea that we might have another one but it would be some time and possibly not at all. I am lucky though because I have four beautiful children.
So back to the story I knew I was pregnant but I seem to have a thick skull and I find myself needing to be told many times before it makes sense.
I sat in the Dr's office and she did a pregnancy test and I was thinking, what if I'm not pregnant, what if the test was wrong or I read it wrong, I hope her test says the same thing mine did. Thankfully, it did. At this point I'm just enamored by the process. The same process I've done four times is brand new and confusing and exciting. The doctor brought out the Doppler to see if she could hear the heartbeart. It's really too early so I was sure we wouldn't hear it. I wasn't even concerned when she spent so much time looking and was quickly getting nowhere. Then I heard it. I heard my baby's heartbeat. I sat in that office and listened to the sound of blood pumping into this dear child, prepping it for it's time here. I sat in shock. This is real. I am really having a baby.
So why the title? As I walked out of the office with this new discovery, I'm having a baby, my mind was clouded with thoughts. Why do I get to have another child? I have so many loved ones that want a child, would give anything to have a child. They've tried so many tricks, games, options, procedures and are still empty handed. I have four kids. That in and off itself is a blessing above and beyond; four beautiful children. I know women who have miscarried so many times it would make your heart bleed just knowing the pain they've experienced. So why do I get this blessing and why do I get it again? I have no answer. So then why now? Why do I get to do this now. I was sure if I ever got to do it again my baby would be 10 and I would've had to trick someone into the process or that certain someone would have had to be visited from on high. So why so soon? Again my mind is clouded and only has questions without the answers. I don't think I really need answers. My mind often swarms with questions that have no answers.
This is our last. Do I know that for sure? Even as I type this the idea of never doing it again haunts me. I love this process. I love sharing my body for 9 months with this developing spirit. I love delivery and seeing my child and holding his head in my hand and touching the back of his neck then using my hand to brush the back of his head and move his hair around. I love when my child latches on to me for nutrients or buries his head into my chest and falls asleep. I love watching them learn to walk, run, ride a bike, read, swear and all the other things they learn and overcome. I love sharing this journey.
For now I will focus on today. Today it hit me, it's for real. I am having a baby.