step 1: honesty

December 2, 2008

day one

So this morning I read again the literature provided. I also spent time in the scriptures. I had lots of thoughts but the one that hit me hardest was when I was in the shower. Usually my best thinking is when I'm drying my hair but I've found the shower to be quite useful for clearing garbage and opening my soul.

Last night my dear friend called me. His car had died and he needed a tow. I have no experience towing but I knew I was his only help so I took my vehicle and we attached the two cars together and towed him home. He recently dropped his car off for repairs. He was certain there was an additional problem the mechanic was missing and he asked several times for it to be looked into. He was quickly told that it had been reviewed and that there was no problem. This has me thinking about the many times I've been told you've got no problem. I was certain they were confused, I was certain there was a problem, but the expert said no, so silly me. This morning my friend has consulted a new mechanic. Strange that no problem can lead to the car completely failing. Failing... interesting and scary word. Obviously there was a problem maybe it needed someone else looking at it. Maybe it needed to be pushed a little further so it could show the problem. Maybe it just wasn't quite time for the problem to surface. I know it's funny that a broken car can bring me so much entertainment in the shower. But this morning as my mind is focused on honesty it has brought me a lot to think about.

I am a dictionary freak. I love to look up words in the dictionary. It's always been a favorite project. I loved it when I was in elementary school and the teacher would make it an assignment. That love has never left and I keep a dictionary close by my bed so that I can look up random words.

As I was studying today I came across these words that required definitions:

willing
nothing
infinite
unmanageable

Here's what I've found

willing: (will) the faculty of conscious and especially of deliberate action; the power of control the mind has over its own actions; power of choosing one's own actions; the act or process of using or asserting one's choice.

nothing: no thing; not anything; naught; something that is without quantity or magnitude; something that is nonexistent.

infinite: immeasurably great; unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless; capable of being put into one to one correspondence with a part of itself.

unmanageable: Difficult or impossible to manage; incapable of being controlled or managed; not submitting to discipline; unruly.

So what does all of this mean?

In the text it uses the word unmanageable. The key principle of Honesty in this 12 step program is: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. Later it talks about being willing to change. I was thinking this morning about why would someone be willing to change? The answer is above because life is unmanageable. I can fake it for everyone else and everyone else can think that I'm running just fine but at some point I'll hit unmanageable. Sure there are ways to fake it even when I think I've hit bottom but I am willing now because the pain of the problem is worse than the pain of the solution. For so many the solution really sucks. It's hard to solve problems. I'm going to have to spend some more time thinking about this before I have a full grasp on it.

The next thought that angered me so much the first time I went through this was why am I nothing? And if I'm nothing why does God care? Why care about nothing? You read the definition you know what nothing is! Pride is something I struggle with. I'm often worried about what others think and if I'm living up to everyone's expectations. I wish people didn't have expectations because it's likely I'll fail them or not do it quite as they want it done. So how can I be a nothing of infinite worth? The guide asks how am I nothing and how am I infinite. Last time through I wrote this:

"As I started this process I was angry with the word and concept of being nothing. My pride would not allow me to understand how I could nothing and God would love me. I questioned why I would be here and what is the purpose if I am nothing. As I read the suggested scriptures and looked words up in the dictionary and pondered and prayed I have come to realize that I am in deed nothing and that as humble myself I will realize even more my nothingness. Don't lose hope though because this is a great thing for when we are nothing we are of infinite worth. In Alma 26:12 the word nothing references the Topical Guide where in it says poor in spirit. As I looked up poor in spirit it said meekness. I referenced that with the dictionary and it said submissive, patient and mild. When I am submissive, patient and mild (nothing) than I am of infinite worth because God can now use me for His great purposes. He can lead and direct me as He does the dust of the earth. When I am prideful I am not prepared to do His will, I am prepared to do mine. I must daily work to put off the natural man which stands in my path to nothingness. I must be authentic with myself and others."

I add to this what I have discovered this day. If I know something is wrong it doesn't matter who says to me everything is fine, you're doing great. I must address the problem with honesty so as to repair damage and also protect myself from breaking down. Not that breaking down is bad I was there once, it was required, because my will was so strong I had to be forced. But after living through that I certainly don't want to get there again. I want to be nothing. Nothing is a good thing because I can then be what the Lord wants of me. He sees me as a greatness that only He can see. I have eyes that lie to me, he does not.

For today I will work on being nothing.

December 3, 2008

infinite

Today I'm thinking specifically about this word: infinite

Remember the definition?
infinite: immeasurably great; unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless; capable of being put into one to one correspondence with a part of itself.

My favorite piece of this definition is the last part: capable of being put into one to one correspondence with a part of itself.

As I was reading these scriptures I was thinking about my favorite definition for infinite.
Psalms 147:5
Mosiah 5:3
Moroni 8:3


Capable of being put into one to one correspondence with a part of itself. I can't quite phrase what I'm thinking because it's not in full sentences but the pieces are these:

I am a piece of God, He is a piece of me. He can correspond with me because we are part of one another. Infinite is God's wisdom and love for me.
I'm trying to figure out how infinite and honesty relate. Something to think about today.

December 6, 2008

skipping a day

Yesterday I just needed a break from all the thinking so I didn't even log on. Today I started the morning by reading my scriptures. I should read my scriptures daily because I feel so much better when I do. Often though I skip passed it and move through the other motions.

So today this scripture is standing out. I don't know that it links to the step that I'm on but it links to understanding despair.

Moroni 10:22
And if ye have no hope we must needs be in despair; and despair cometh because of iniquity.

So my first thought was to blame myself. I tend to look inside to correct before pointing fingers. What did I do wrong to bring me to this point?? What is my iniquity? It was strange because I truly could come up with nothing. I have found many items since but at the time of reading my mind was blank until this thought entered.
It doesn't say my iniquity. It says iniquity.
Despair can be brought on because of choices I make and I can certainly make matters worse through my choices as I deal with the despair, however, this iniquity could be a choice of someone else's that was forced upon me.

Just a thought for today. I guess I can't cause all wickedness that is in this world. Sad, I also can't solve all of it.

Take care this weekend. I'll be working on this step for a few more days.

December 7, 2008

early morning clearness

I wasn't going to write today but early this morning while in bed I had an interesting thought. I came to a realization as to one of the reasons I am not honest with myself. It's hard for me to trust people. I have a tendency to believe that what they are saying to me is not the truth. I don't ask for help because I don't want to be anyone's hassle. I don't want to be the service project that everyone does and then behind closed doors complains about. Because of my slanted view I lie to myself and others that everything is okay, that I'm managing and fine. I do it so that I'm not someone's problem. So I think I've figured out my honesty issue. Now I need to figure out my trust issues.

Hope you are all having a good weekend.

December 11, 2008

doing well

I am well. Of course I'm good, I'm growing and learning and discovering.
I haven't written for awhile because I bogged down with Christmas. It's bringing with it my great ability to stress and become anxious. My loved one has rescued me several times from the trench so I am thankful for his presence. I'll be back when I have a handle on the house. We at least need a Christmas tree. No worries.

January 1, 2009

a new year

It's been awhile since I've posted. We've had a wonderful holiday and by Monday I'll be ready to jump back into life. A lot has gone on. My latest interest is juggling. Not the circus trick (which is amazing) but the life trick. I've had the opportunity to meet these two beautiful girls. They are 9 and almost 12. They live in this run down apartment with their older sister and mom and "grandma". Today I stopped by to wish them a happy new year. I dropped off Apple and Pecan Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. I had the girls over to my house a week ago and they told me their favorite Christmas desserts were these pies and ice cream. On Sunday I asked them how much pie they ate? Sadly, they had not had any. I had to make amends so I stopped by. The youngest sister was gone but the 11 year old ran to the door and wrapped her arms around me. It was loving and safe.
side note: I've received many hugs since our move to a new place. I use to hate people touching me. It almost left me very uncomfortable. I've made good progress and a hug feels safe and loving.
So she hugged me and she quietly asked me if they could come to my house tomorrow. I want them to move into my house. I want everyone without a home to make a bed in my warm abode and settle in for a long winters nap.
Here's the catch. My kids lately have been very jealous of my time. Whenever I do something nice for someone the kids are quick to complain or voice their frustration.
I'm not sure I'm looking for answers. I think I'm just looking to purge my mind.
I'll close tonight and pray and study this one. Take care everyone. Enjoy the New Day!

January 5, 2009

interesting

so it seems someone has something to say about my life. I truly appreciate honesty. I say that without any sarcasm. I truly appreciate this persons honesty. It's great when people dive in trying to rescue you. Thanks.

I will continue with my program because as I study I only grow closer to God and Jesus Christ. I see their strength growing inside of me and me diminishing. It's beautiful how I am beginning to rely on the Lord and give myself fully to him.

I am sure this will raise doubt for those who are not present in my life. You may even believe that you have an answer or a better idea. I'm sure you do. I know that as I kneel in prayer I have a good answer too. I feel His spirit ever present and closer than ever. I know that it is His spirit because it brings peace and comfort. I felt the other, the despair, the evil, the hopeless, the feelings that come from Satan. I know with certainty the peace I feel is from God.

I am so thankful for the comment left. I will be posting step 2 tomorrow.

I love you all, each of you that reads this!