Well I am and for fun the last two days I've worn shirts that show off my bump. This is the last time I'll have a beautiful child growing inside of me and I just find that some moments are too lovely. My bump is one of those lovely things. It's always there. I reach down and a baby is present to comfort my soul. I bend over (still doing that for a few more weeks) and I can't reach as far as I used to, there's an angel growing inside of me. It's just wonderful.
My mind is flooded with other thoughts also. I'm thinking that nylons should be made out of better material. I'm sick of putting holes in my nylons. It's so expensive. I've tried to come up with alternative methods.... I could exercise so my legs look better (pointless, still ghostly white) I could wear longer dresses (I like shorter skirts I tend to get tangled up in long dresses and have even been known to trip) I could try some other method of leg covering (I'll take suggestions). I think what really needs to happen is some intelligent person needs to create a stronger material, tights is a good step but I somehow have been able to defeat them also.
More thoughts....
Yesterday I went to two baby showers. I guess there's other people besides Utahns populating the world. It was fun to be with other women. The first was for this beautiful mom having here fifth child (again, not just a Utah thing). She's a strong woman. She has wonderful children and a wonderful smile. It's fun to see her and see the smile that spreads over her face. I must not talk about this event without telling you about the salad that we ate. Some of you know that I believe eating induces emotions. Sometimes when I eat I immediately feel joy, sometimes when I eat I feel guilty. I tend to get more out of food then a feeling of fullness. I have certain items that when I place them on my tongue my entire spirit lifts with joy. I've heard this is unhealthy. I blame my church. We constantly eat... we constantly share food. I've bought into this and love to take food to people to brighten their spirits, or say I'm sorry or introduce myself or any other array of excuses. About the salad.... spinach, strawberries, feta (don't talk to me about evil cheeses and pregnancy) cheese, candied pecans and poppyseed dressing. The minute the first molecule hit my tongue I could feel the day brighten. I continued to sit in my bliss with my plate on my lap and my focus on the best possible way to enjoy each bite. It was certainly a happy moment. I think next time I go shopping I will add the ingredients to my list and make myself an entire salad to enjoy.
The second shower was for a lady I didn't even know. Last Sunday I was invited to attend a baby shower. First let me tell you what got some of the silly anxiety going as I thought about attending. The person who invited me speaks Spanish, the people who would be in attendance speak... that's right Spanish. So what's the glitch you say? Someone doesn't speaking Spanish. This someone I know barely speaks English! (don't believe me, hang out for a while and count all the new words I teach you)
In preparation I spent some time talking to my sis (she speaks Spanish) why I thought talking to her over the phone was going to help me I don't know but she convinced me that I would have a lovely time, I would likely not offend anyone and that I should go. I'm gullible and will believe nearly anything told me. I hung up the phone, felt strong and made certain to plan the day so that I would be in attendance. So, have I ever talked about how I can get all worked up and stressed out?? Picture me Saturday afternoon, freaking out. I'd already been to one shower. This left me exposed and vulnerable. Everyone was wonderful I just get all freaky, it's fun. It's now time to go to the next shower, the one where people speak a language I can't fake. I nearly fell apart. The only thing that got me there was I kept remembering the beautiful smile on the girls face when she wrote down the address and info. Oh, how smiling rests the weary. On my way I couldn't stop thinking about how I needed my buddy Adi to go with me. I called her but she's still on vacation. I really could have used her as a sidekick. I know, why not my Spanish speaking Sister? Katrina would have been a better fit to take to the party but I didn't think of her I thought of the person that get's me into and out of trouble. (miss you)
I arrived at the party with greetings of beautiful smiles. Everyone there with smiles on their faces. To my surprise there were others, besides myself, present that speak English. Many of those Spanish sisters speak English and many English sisters speak English. Hooray (for losers like myself that stumble over our native tongue) there were many people present that could help me. This was a surprise baby shower. When the guest of honor arrived we all shouted surprise. The woman's eyes teared up and the joy was evident. I've always wanted to attend a surprise party. We danced (yes danced, I've always wanted to go to a party where you dance, never been invited), we ate yummy food (the beans were so amazing. even though I am not Spanish I've eaten enough beans to know when they taste good), we chatted and best of all we smiled. As I was leaving I ran into the missionaries, (at the baby shower, this is not something you'd see in Utah) we chatted and I found out that two of them are from Utah, oh the laughs we had as we talked about what we're learning. When I said goodbye to the beautiful host she said kind words to me. She said her home is my home and we should come back soon. Do I feel welcome? I walked out with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. I quickly called my sis who speaks Spanish and told her that her people are wonderful (funny, she spends 18 months with these people and I'm certain she belongs with them). I loved the experience and I was so thankful that she put me at ease and I attended. Thanks sis.
Today during Sacrament meeting I found the anxiety setting in again. It's manageable (don't call freaking out on me), I got up and walked the hall for a little while. I think yesterday was a lot for me. I've kind of been in hiding for the last little while and yesterday I just plopped my butt out there for the whole world. After some time in the hall and some deep breaths and prayer I was able to go back in. The meeting was beautiful with many wonderful speakers and hymns. I'm thankful that each week someone prepares a message to share with me. It may be a little egocentric to say it that way but that's how I feel as I listen. I can't take my anxiety meds because of the pregnancy. I may need to watch these feelings and look for a doctor to help with the swings. We'll see. I'm not mentioning this to stress any of you out, it's merely mentioned to keep the words honest.
There is much more I could say but the kids are falling apart. I can hear screaming and while I'm certain there is no blood yet, I cannot guarantee that as I continue to write someone will not be maimed.