Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness

I had the opportunity to teach Relief Society today. I'm always a little bit nervous that I'll flub up words and end up teach lies. I'm always concerned that the Lord will want me to share an important message and I'll be so lost in my lies that I won't hear him. I'm always nervous. It's interesting that I'd sit down tonight and share another step in the program. The interesting part is that while the lesson today was on righteous judgment I for whatever reason slipped in a time in my life when I realized I needed to repent and ask for forgiveness. I didn't share details and I won't be sharing them here because that's personal and doesn't really matter. I will say that as we seek to right the wrong we gain a closes of the spirit that we otherwise are missing out on. No matter how hard we try to include him in our life, if we don't correct past mistakes we can't get as close to him.

The key principle is: Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.

Key points that stood out to me include

• You are willing to give up judging anyone unrighteously and to stop taking inventory of others' lives and faults. For me this also includes comparing myself to others.
• You become willing to live a life guided by principles rather than shame or fear.
• Charity is the pure love of Christ and the Father gives it to those who pray unto the Father with all the energy of hear and to all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ.
• Charity is a gift we receive as we learn to follow Jesus Christ. We can be filled with this pure love from Him and for Him. We can be able to love others as He has loved us.

As I worked through the questions I came upon these introspective conclusions.
I need to be at peace with the Lord and with myself. When I am insecure with myself it is impossible for me to be at peace with others in my life. 
Having faith the Lord will guide me and my actions/words helps me to know that I'm doing the best I can to fix my mistakes.
Seeking forgiveness gives me freedom from guilt. I clear myself of the harbored worries that built up through past mistakes.
When I submit that I am imperfect I lift the strain off my shoulders.
When I judge others, those judgments are upon me. I recognize that as I judge others I am hurting myself because it is time focused in the wrong direction and because it puts thoughts into my mind that leave me wondering what others think of me. A great book I read, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, reminds me that it's none of my business what others think of me.
Knowing we are not perfect brings ease to my nerves. We are all just doing our best.
Seeking forgiveness is not easy but knowing that the end result will bring an increase of peace in my life gives me strength to work through the really hard.
Refusing to forgive myself is the equivalent of denying the Savior's Atonement.

This step for me was more about seeking personal forgiveness. There are those in my life I've wronged and it required approaching them and admitting my wrong doing and apologizing. The process was not simple but it was an immediate relief and lift of my spirit.  Forgiving myself for being stupid and making mistakes is a much more difficult task. I don't gain the immediate joy because I can't always allow it. I seem to hold back and whip myself over and over. I'm working on recognizing when the Lord has forgiven me and thus allowing myself to forgive me.

I have made some progress because as I was studying the follow up questions and scriptures I came to this realization...
I recognize that I've made progress in forgiving myself because I used to feel shame and anger and disgust with me. How I feel sorrow and sadness for past mistakes but this is a very different emotion. I think this is because I confessed my sins properly and Heavenly Father has accepted my repentance. There will always be sorrow for sin. This sorrow helps me to make future choices that will keep me close to the Lord.