My cousin recently posted on her blog a picture of her and her youngest daughter. They look so much alike. I commented on how I love when people see me in my kids.
Because I have all boys not too often do people mention how my boys look just like me. They always look like their dad. Anyhow...
This morning I would have retracted that comment in a heartbeat when I saw my dear son acting just like me. I was so sad to see his hurt and also realize that he gets that from me.
It was a rough morning for the guy. He woke up a little later than usual. He was ransacked by the brother who makes noise with every breath he takes. He then went to get dressed and his younger brother had stolen his pants and belt, leaving him with nothing. I made him try on a pair of church pants so I could hem them. He went to finally walk out the door and couldn't find his jacket. Rough morning. As I walked into the kitchen he was just distraught. He immediately let me know that nobody ever gives him what he wants. Nobody loves him.
I of course, quickly pointed out a few neat things going on in his life right now. The effort was futile. As we drove to school I continually looked in my rear view mirror checking to see if the tears and sadness had lifted. It breaks my heart to drop them off without a smile on their face or at least in their heart. As he left the vehicle I grasped his hand and told him, "I love you." He of course gave me that stare down of, 'whatever!'
As I continued on to drop off older brothers I realized that this little one has some of my personality in him. Poor kid. I hate when I see my negative self in my kids. I try really hard to not share that side in hopes they can find their own negative behaviors and in the end will not be able to blame me. Alas, even though I have grown out of this, it is obviously a piece of my genetic work up.
I realize that he's almost 10 and that some of what he displayed this morning is his age but his feelings run deeper than the years he's been alive.
As a child I always felt picked on, left out, unappreciated. In actuality I was treated with great love by so many people. As an adult I realize that my perception was far from the truth. But, those feelings were still real feelings that left me so sad.
Seeing my angel in the kitchen and in the back seat feeling such sadness really tugged at my heart. I've devised a plan that I hope will help him see that we do love him and do care about him. We'll see if it works.