You know by now that my thinking leads to more thinking which just swirls my brain with thoughts and ideas and wonders.
A few weeks back my OBGYN and I discussed the medication that I take for anxiety/depression/OCD. There are many opinions on whether women should take certain meds during pregnancy. I'm not posting this to discuss medications and who should or should not take these and when or why or how.
Doc suggested that it was now time to start to decrease my medication. He felt this was necessary to do before little one arrives so that the medication is out of her system. I found it interesting that he was taking this approach because I had actually just gotten up the guts, and had just shared with him that I was mentally really struggling and was considering upping my dose because I had done everything within my power to prevent the mental struggles and yet it was unresolved.
Everything within my power? What does that mean? Well, there are some things that I've found help me. When I exercise and eat right and get enough sleep and clear my mind and think happy thoughts, I have better control of the emotional surges. So, I'd gone above and beyond and had severely limited all sugar intake, I was exercising 46 minutes every day and each night I tucked myself in bed and removed the disturbances. I was even clearing my negative thoughts. I was kicking butt at it. I was really trying. --I was hopeless and alone and lost and knew that I was falling apart.
So I approached the doc and he immediately started talking to me about slowly decreasing my med. I was confused. So confused. I want what's best for my baby. There's worse to have to do to have a child arrive healthy. There's so much more that could have been asked of me, of my body, of my family. Just a simple decrease in medication... how hard is that?
Here's where the thinking really gets started. As we talked about this decision he made some comments that brought me to the immediate understanding that he had no real understanding of what I was experiencing. Let's step back for a second and I'll tell you how much I love my doc. I love my OBGYN. He really has been a wonderful doctor. I just also know that there is still such a misunderstanding when it comes to mental illness.
What could he have possibly said? He started talking about the changes in their computer system. He was letting me know that the next appointment may be a bit of a hassle because of the update to their system. We briefly chatted about it and I commiserated with him. I've learned a thing or two about system upgrades and they always go worse than planned and they always have huge glitches. I was really feeling for the entire office as they went through this transition. At the end of this discussion he said to me, "See, it could be worse." He was referring to my mental health. Life could be worse than it is right now.
Silly boy, silly, silly boy. Of course life could be worse. All this statement did was make me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I feel.
The thing is I know I have an amazing life. I know that each moment of my life is filled with blessings and joy and goodness. I see it all around. Even when life gives me sour lemons I do my best to make lemonade. I recognize that at every corner there is happiness. See, that's the crazy thing about my crazy mentalness. It's not based upon my surroundings.
Here's the weird thing that I think a few people just don't get. My mental is based upon the fact that I'm mental.
How do I say this??? If you ask me how I'm doing... I'm fine. It's not that I'm lying to you. I really am fine. I don't know what I'd tell you is wrong because I can see that there is nothing wrong. It's just there's this empty sadness that creeps in even when everything is fine. There's this pit of hurt that heaps itself upon my shoulders even when I kneel and beg for relief. My mind becomes filled with anxiety and pressures that even though I say to myself are not to worry about and even though I tuck them away and resolve them still beat upon my heart and soul.
So, how has this decrease in medication been? Up and down. Some days, really really rough. Other days not so bad. At this point I'm drug free.Completely, drug free. There is goodness all around and there is much joy filling even the smallest cracks. I've felt lifted by my Savior as he's stepped in to cover where i cannot.
My meds are packed in my bag and I'll be transitioning back soon. My surroundings will not change. My outlook on life will not change. There will still be good days and bad days. Days are like that.
(i might have totally messed up the point i was trying to make... i guess i'm just going to have to spend more time thinking before i spew more on the topic)