Disclaimer: As you read these posts please understand that this is my experience. I do not intend for this to be a guide for anyone. This is simply a journal/writing of the last few years of my life as my husband has experienced a shift in his dedication to the church.
A phone call may have caused a little riff. Kjel and I had discussed many things about church and gospel. We had very differing opinions. One of our discussions ended with Kjel saying he no longer wanted to pay tithing or fast offerings or any form of payment to the church. I was left speechless and hurt and angry and lost. I knew our tithing was due in the next week and I personally figured Kjel would never find out if I paid the tithes or not. So I wrote the check and paid our tithing, just as I had all our married life. Later that afternoon Kjel got a call on his phone. It seems that I had added wrong and they weren't really sure where the funds should go or what was the correct amount. I've always been terrible at math and lying.
We talked for some time that day and Kjel was hurt and angry; I was the same. It's interesting how two people can feel very strong on opposing sides. With us at two different poles there was a lot of patience that had to be found.
Again, I was on my knees praying and begging and pleading. I didn't honestly know what to do. So kneel and pray, kneel and pray. I wanted to talk with someone but I wanted to be careful to not turn Kjel into the negative. He's truly an incredible man and I knew no matter what I said it was my side only and I wanted to be careful to keep his name from being sloshed through mud. I didn't want people sitting around talking about Kjel without his representation.
Each time I prayed, I raised from my knees knowing that God loves His children. I knew without a doubt that I should love Kjel. I don't want you to think that I then treated him perfectly or acted so adult and Christ-like about the situation. I am human and I did experience different emotions, thoughts and feelings.
A few weeks later I went in for my temple recommend interview. At this point I was paying tithing on any funds I personally earned. I don't bring in a lot of money from my job (a mom) but I continued to pay on birthday money and even found a few opportunities to bring in a little cash. All of which I paid my dutiful 10 percent. I was cleared for temple use but inside wondered what the future held. I went through highs of pride because I was doing what was right. I was standing for truth and righteousness so I must be right. I was putting into action the many lessons taught on doing what was right. I felt more proud than ever. I was truly dying inside but that unrighteous pride kept me going, holding my "good" head high. I was right. Kjel was wrong.
Much time passed and I found myself searching for ways to give to God. It had always been a much simpler task when I'd sweep 10 percent off the top of our income, and some assigned amount for other offerings. Not that it was always easy to live off of what was left but I felt like I was doing a good job of what God required of me for tithes.
Now I was in a new place unable to so simply check it off the list. I started searching for ways to "pay" our tithing. This brought about some changes in our family life. Many of which I feel are positive changes. I tried so much harder to look for ways to serve. It ranged from small to large; outward to secret.
I scheduled an appointment to speak with someone about how I was feeling about my place in the church. Because of the lifetime of learning and the spin that my thoughts and experiences had created during that time I felt very unworthy as a member of the church. This was our second time talking about what I was experiencing. I was searching for answers and support. I explained that I had considered getting a job so that I could pay tithing. I also shared that I had significantly increased my service. Not much from our conversation stands out other than I left defeated and the one line of advice I remember, "you're on a slippery slope" only angered me and then left me feeling guilty for being angry.
A slippery slope. Not paying tithing is a slippery slope. My gut reaction was so prideful. I was truly angry that in all that I opened up and shared the only words given were cutting. At least right at that moment they felt very cutting. At home I reminded myself that I should listen to my leaders. They know what's best and I shouldn't allow Satan to intervene and turn me away. I felt guilty for my original reaction and I tried to temper my "natural" man.
I started looking for help. An online search led me to some different theories. Much of which I shared with Kjel. He found it interesting. We didn't both agree all the time with the information nor did we always agree with each other on how we perceived what was being shared but we were talking productively about God and gospel and each other.
One of my first searches was, does God expect me to pay my tithing to the church or can I pay tithes in other ways to other places? Am I worthy before God if my tithes are paid in other forms to other places? I looked through the scriptures. I looked on lds.org, I googled, I prayed. I wondered why God would only accept cash from me. Does my physical service or my financial service given to other sources besides "the church" put me on a slippery slope with God? Does he not accept donations of time and money to others besides "the church." Is what I have to offer not good enough? Will God not accept me in His kingdom? I cannot go in "His" temple? Will this keep me from His love? From His saving grace?
Information flooded my mind and heart. I still don't know for certain that I'm not on a slippery slope. I'm quick to question my ability to judge situations without prejudice. Does it feel right because it is right? or does it feel right because I want it to feel right? If you pray enough you'll get an answer but you can then share that answer with others and they will put their twist and their answers to the situation and may have a very strong different answer. Who's right? Who is truly listening to God? Hard to say. My gut tells me I can receive personal revelation for myself. This is what I teach my children and want them to abide by throughout their life. But how can one receive an answer that seems so contrary to popular belief?
Its now been two years since we've paid tithes on Kjel's income. I'm not saying this pridefully or sinfully. It's just a statement of truth. I'm putting any church statements to any test or trying to prove anything wrong or right. The sinful pride inside me is still present. If I could delete this thorn from my soul I would, I am trying. I've made progress over the two years and am gaining some humility. Not that saying I'm gaining humility means I'm prideful because I've noticed this. It's just I see changes in my heart. I have much work to do but I have made good changes.