I haven't looked back at the past posts that I didn't publish so I don't know what part I'm on. Serious clarification needed. Sometimes I write blog posts and then don't post them. I keep them hidden for different reasons. I want to share this one, even though those in the series are hidden, because it's an incredible breakthrough for me.
I'll give a super quick synopsis so you can follow.
About three years ago Kjel decided to be true with himself and also with me. He was/is struggling with some church stuff and he started making changes so that he could align himself with what he felt was right and true. I went through a tailspin and it turned things upside down. It's been a long road and we've walked it. There might also have been days I sat on the road, throwing a tantrum refusing to walk or move. Time has passed and just the other day I had an awakening.
Acceptance. I accept where he is. I accept what this means for now and I will learn to accept whatever the future holds. I actually knelt in prayer and instead of begging God to take it away. I asked him to help me know what to do and to have strength. I've asked this in the past but when I asked I was asking so I'd know just what magical words/actions Kjel needed that would change his mind. Not this prayer, this was a prayer to find out what my part is and how I can best support my family and my wonderful husband. It washed over me with such peace.
I even sat in sacrament meeting on Sunday with my awesome children, partook of the sacrament and smiled. Chaos was all around me, but this time I didn't cower and wonder what everyone was thinking about me and my "mess." I didn't swear, under my breath, at Kjel and how he should be with us. I didn't question all that the future might no longer hold or what the past has lost. I just said, (to myself), "LeShel, smile."
Maybe it's the sunshining outside or the son shining inside. Probably both.
PS: I do NOT have an actual son inside of me. I feel I must clarify considering my past. ;)