April 2015
I'm posting the below journal entries not to cause anyone stress or guilt. I want to share these in case someone reading my blog can relate and needs to know that there is hope. The hope is there because I'm feeling better. I'd say I'm 90 percent. I can do 90 percent. When I'm 90 percent the days shine, even when it's raining; figuratively and literally. My emotions are more calm and not as negatively pitted into my core. I have bad days but they're not impossible. This entries are not about bad days. These entries are the days when the postpartum depression sunk me.
I've read these writings a few times and I can't say enough about my gratitude for my husband. He's my strength. He's my rock.
7-30-2014
These are the dark hours. I watch myself from the outside and want to snap my fingers and say, "Get on, move through, put a damn smile on your face." I of course won't share this post until I'm through this. I hear hope in the last sentence. Through. I will get through. This will pass.
I type this so that when it passes I can look back and not hate myself for unpacking my bags and getting stuck in a funk.
Dear LeShel,
You're trying. You're trying so hard to be strong and take care of your children. You're trying to hold back the sea each time it wells up in your eyes. The anxiety is real inside as the force of hormones works its way out of your system. I know the thoughts in your head and the anger that beats against the walls of your soul. It's okay that some days aren't meant for others. Some moments are personal and painful and really do hurt even when there is nothing to hurt for or about. Allow yourself to just be. You don't have to work through everything, just breathe.
9-09-2014
He smiles at me and I want to scream at him. He looks at me with such trusting eyes. There's so much hope and love. I blankly stare back and wonder how I can ever live up to the greatness he deserves. I frazzle so easily with even the simplest of tasks. I recognize that I am filled with weakness. I want him to have something wonderful. I smile so the world won't question me.
9-12-2014
I'm lost. I'm going through so many transitions right now. On Monday I had my final meetup with my Midwife. I nearly cried as I left her office. I would have cried all the way home but when I got in the van Kjel gave me a strange look so I sucked it up and moved on. But, I haven't moved on. I am going to desperately miss those women. I told them I was doing fine. I really was. But it seems when I speak certainty I always certainly end up doing the exact opposite. I'm not doing fine. I long for times of silence and peace. I find myself looking back on past moments and aching for the opportunity to revisit. Maybe, I could be as awesome as I was in my 20's. I certainly had a lot figured out then. I sound so depressing and pathetic. I should seriously consider keeping this shit to myself.
I showed up at church last week and while I was surrounded by hundreds of people, I felt alone. Church feels empty. I'll try again. I'll keep trying.
9-22-2014
I'm so tired. If I sit down I fall asleep. All I can think is to stop whining and grow a set. I want to be strong and capable. I've seen others conquer. So I keep pushing. But when do I rest? It's not like I don't get breaks. I do.I absolutely do. I just want to do my part and love on and care for my family. Is that enough?What if all I cared for was those that live in my home? Is that enough? I keep being told that's selfish. Why do I have to be more when even the smallest is taxing me?
9-30-2014
In an instant it hits. Like the cliche ton of bricks. It pounds at my chest and entangles the fibers of my heart. I want to run. I want to escape but there is no way to run or escape from your own self. I feel it work its way throughout my body as it mocks me. I'm exhausted from the constant fight. I'm overwhelmed by the darkness and the energy that consumes my inner soul. It digs so deep into cavities of my body of which I wasn't even aware. I feel it work throughout to the edges of my fingertips and down through my legs. It takes over and I fight and I fight. There is so much wonderful so why must it ache? I've no reason to complain. People don't understand. The world is filled with sunshine. I see it everywhere, it's all around. I notice it, I know it and yet my body has its own mind with which it tortures me and brings on darkness. I tell myself it's all not real. The feelings are not real, and yet they feel so real. So encompassing, so thick and impenetrable.
10-4-2014
Inadequate! That would be the word to sum it all up. Why can't I give myself any leeway, any benefit of the doubt? Just inadequacies.
10-6-2014
I'm always hanging on. Sometimes I've got a tight grip affixed to heavy cording/rope. Other times my hands frailly tug at the thin string ready to burst apart. It's always something in my head that's floating around. I'm just so inadequate.
10-22-2014
Trapped. Suffocating under the weight of my worries and anxieties. Time is frozen and the hurt never passes but the joy escapes, fleeting ever constantly.
10-25-2014
Started strong, well after I took a morning nap. Chatted with someone and now I feel inadequate. How come everyone else knows what I should be doing? And how I should do it? Lots of great suggestions. I should really listen and follow. Instead I'm going to be reclusive for awhile. I'm just too emotionally invested I'll be a failure.
The darkness hangs over me. Tempting me as it sucks itself into the crevices of my body. Something inside whispers to push it out. Smile, let yourself laugh. At times I feel the corners of my lips twitch in an upward motion.Yet, I succumb to the black mist. It taunts me as it dives into my heart. My body limp and longer wants to fight. Fighting doesn't solve, it merely postpones the hell. I've reached out for help. I recognize where I'm being pulled. I must hope that change is available. That somehow, someone has the right tools to clear out the black pit. Hope, a simple four letter word that feels unattainable. The lows are so very low.
10-29-2014
Today isn't a bad one. I know I'm not thinking completely clear but the emotion isn't coursing through my being. I see beauty everywhere but the mirror. I hold myself to unattainable standard but I about the time I let up and cut myself slack I realize that I should have never allowed such childish foolishness. I've scheduled an appointment with a therapist. It's not that I can't keep fighting. It's really not that bad. It's just that I don't want to fight. I'm sick of constantly fighting. That, and I also don't want my children to learn to be like me. I don't want them to learn my negative behaviors and then find themselves feeling such wasteful pain. If you're going to cry, you ought to at least cry about something... right!? So, I start again.
12-9-2014
It's been sometime. Yet, here I am again. The funk has settled in and I'm struggling to breath. I am deeply disappointed with myself. I feel hopeless. I've had hopeful days but today is empty. The worst part is seeing it in the eyes of my children. I pray they will understand that I'm trying. I'm trying, dammiit I'M TRYING! I haven't quit. I'm doing my best. My best is definitely not enough and they definitely deserve greater but I am trying.
12-30-2014
Look how time is passing between each post. It almost makes one think that the healing is happening. Maybe, that's true? Tonight and throughout the day today and yesterday I've felt low. Maybe it's the post holiday crash? Maybe. I've told Kjel that if I had the choice to do it all over again, I wouldn't. Sounds harsh but it's just where I'm at right now. These kiddo's are all awesome. It's not them.... I know were the misstep is.