It was the atmosphere of the car this morning that had me thinking deep.
A couple moments in the last few days have combined to create an understanding I didn't have before. What I do with this will be interesting. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Too often I try to do it alone and time after time fail. For now, that's besides the point and another blog post.
I've been spending time in scripture and prayer and I'm begging God to clean out the cobwebs and for a death to self. I want all of me to be about Him.
- First I read an article about gluttony, which is so much more than just eating too much but for the sake of this experience that's what stuck in my head.
- On Friday Kjel and I went out to dinner for our anniversary and I licked the plate clean. I mean I literally, as in the correct use of the word literally, licked the plate clean. At the time it was funny, I laughed, he laughed, all of FB land laughed. I'm cool with that, but it's a piece of this puzzle. It's really not unusual for me to lick my dessert plate clean. Every time I eat dessert I want to lick the plate or bowl clean. I just usually remember my manners and risk of others thinking poorly of me control myself.
- On Saturday, I went to a baby shower and ate two pieces of cake and someones frosting off their slice. Last night I ate two bowls of ice cream. I had to have another. I would have died without one.
- I've many times found myself eating sweets to a degree that it no longer tastes good but I keep eating and eating.
Then, this morning I listened to my daughter scream with absolute heartbreak and devastation that she wanted two granola bars. I had taken a package of two and given one to her and one to her brother. She was beyond recovering and for 30 minutes as we drove she cried and yelled and was beyond any convincing it was going to be okay.
I found myself listening and just thinking, I totally feel your pain I want two too! Even as a young child I had food issues. I don't have any direct experience to create this. My mother always fed us well; three delicious meals a day. There was never a time I went without or should have wondered where my next meal was. However, from a very young age I started stealing food from our fridge, food storage and cupboards. I even stole food from my grandma's home and anytime I was babysitting I was searching through their cupboards. (wow I really shouldn't share so much) If I couldn't find anything to quickly shove in my mouth I would turn to eating Tums (medicine) or Vitamin C pills. There was a day I ate so much Vitamin C from our medicine cabinet that I spent a significant amount of time peeing and wondering if I was going to die. I know it sounds extreme that I thought I was going to die but I was a young kid and I regularly wondered if I was dying.
My heart went out to my daughter. I feel her pain of this all the time. I want more and more and will eat sweets without even realizing I'm eating them and then have just a couple more bites. There's no stopping. I'm not saying this is her problem it's just as I listened to her I felt my heart purging its pain and finding hope for a new direction.
We've all been tasked with the responsibility of learning to have control of our bodies (minds, hearts,actions, emotions., etc...) This is one of many areas that I can spend some time working on. I really need to gain some control of my body and its insatiable addiction to sugar.
I'm not sure that I'm ready to make the changes I need to make. I know that as I lean into my Savior, He can clean this out and correct this course of destruction. (I'm not talking about gaining weight or even the negative effect of sugar in our bodies, it's a much deeper destruction I can't really form into words.)
Just something I'm thinking about.