I've never felt so many people I didn't know wanting me to feel included. How great is it to have people so willing to help and love me? I'm scared to death. I've never felt so out of my element and so scared to get to know people. Those reading this are probably trying to figure out what the deal is. Where's LeShel? Some of you know that while I love to be in a crowd I also like to get lost in that crowd and I feel insecure for some time before branching out and jumping in. Funny, if I was helping someone else get to know people I'd have no problem with introductions and talking to strangers. But it's little me lost in the crowd scared to talk, scared to answer questions, scared to look at anyone for fear they may want to talk to me and then what would I do. Even as I write this I can see the error of my ways. However, I'll keep myself locked in the shell a little longer.
Maybe it was the day today that weakened my system and left me raw. I did tackle four children in the church pews for over an hour. They were relentlessly full of evil. I will choose for now to blame them for the tears that would not stop in Relief Society. The one week that the lesson has nothing to do with crying and I spend the entire time sobbing. And what does one who sobs do??? Well I unfortunately started the meeting out thinking I could handle the "making friends" task so I sat myself in the center of room with no easy way out. I was locked in on both sides so I just sat and sobbed and tried to pretend I wasn't. Oh the humor in this. I will one day be chatting with the great sisters of the ward and I'll blurb out that I was such a baby when I moved in I was afraid to talk. And they'll at that point know me a little better and wonder how it could ever be possible that I wouldn't talk.
Thanks Adi for your post a few weeks back. I kept sitting in RS thinking about what you had said about the Lord testing us for our growth. I don't really want to grow. I felt that I had a big jump this last year and I could just sit back and wait this one out. It seems I was wrong. I have so much to learn that I can't take a break. At least I have all these really (scary) nice people around to catch me when I fall.