So today marks the day that I begin my adventure into my last trimester. This is it, the last time I'll count down the final weeks till birth.
After Isaak was born Kjel and I spent a lot of time talking about children. The poor guy, stuck with this woman who when he married her wanted NO children had changed her mind and now wanted her own little corner of the earth filled with kids. He was certain of our family being complete. Honestly, I'm sure he was right. I don't think there would have been anything wrong with our being complete with a family of four boys. Truly a blessing.
I just wanted one more. Just one more.
I must say at this point that I have deep sympathy for those who are doing everything within their power and beyond their power to have children. I will never fully understand their tears or their pain or their wanting. I can't even begin to think that watching someone experience this gives me any idea of the truth depths of their anguish. How sad it must be.
So with this in mind imagine how horrifically selfish of me, wanting just one more.
I watched others having babies and outwardly I was so happy for them while inside my feelings were of jealousy. I would look upon each of my sons faces and be filled with the greatest of joy. How wonderful to experience childbirth 4 times. Why can I not just be happy? It went on for years. I would beg Kjel, "please just one more... please? I promise I'll take care of it; I'll clean up after it and feed it and do whatever it needs. I promise!" He in all his wisdom thought through the plan without emotion and knew that one more child wasn't as simple as nine months of pregnancy(and nine months of pregnancy isn't easy). I'm so glad I am blessed with a guy who has logic. He keeps me truly grounded.
Mentally, I had come to the realization that I was a mom of four and that although I wanted just one more I should find peace in what I was given.
Emotionally it was different. I could talk my mind into all kinds of truths but my insides weren't listening and wanted to have just one more.
I've listened to women talk about how they just wish they had had one more child. I think some of us could honestly have hundreds of children and there would still be this craving inside to experience the growth of a soul one more time. I would sit in on those conversations and nod with agreement.
Selfish me got it. I get this last time. I've will live every moment of this pregnancy.
The first time through with Clayton everything was just a mess of confusion. I was 19. I was confused and I had no tolerance for anything. Then months after his birth I found out I was pregnant again with Anthony. What seemed to be such a trial at the time has only provided our family with the greatest of joy. Son 1 and Son 2 born a year and two weeks apart. Nic was a few years later and while I was older and more experienced the pregnancy was just about getting it over. I was miserable. I wanted it done. Isaak a few years after that and I didn't even take a second to think about the pregnancy. I was so wrapped up in raising kids that the pregnancy just happened and then suddenly there was an additional child.
A lot has happened since those births. I still do not have a complete understanding of how to look at the simple and to take a deep breath and smell the roses but I've come a long way. I've looked at this pregnancy with a different eye. I'm trying to suck every last memory out of this. So hat's off to the last tri!!
The third trimester has always been my hardest. It's always been the one that had me crying and begging for the end. I suppose there will be moments of tears.... of course there will, because having a baby is a big job. I'm on for the ride. My wish at this moment is that I will get to mark every day off the calendar. I don't want Milo early. I want to snatch each moment he will give me with his tender body miraculously forming inside of me.
How blessed to have perspective and currently not be in as much pain as I will be before it's over. We'll see how long I can keep my perspective.