As I walked past my fridge I noticed a picture that's been hanging there for years. The fridge has changed but the picture will always be present. When Clayton was 2 and Anthony was 1 they loved to sleep together. I would often find them sharing a bed. I would walk into their room prior to tucking myself in and the toys would be covering every inch of carpet and then I'd look to the bed and realize a child was missing. A quick look to the other bed and there they were together asleep. I snapped the picture knowing I would forget the moment. That somehow time would pass and somehow the thing that seemed so ever pressing and would never be forgotten would fade and I'd be left with nothing, not even a thought of the memory. The picture hangs on my fridge by a magnet that says DOn't quIT. Those years of toddlers and diapers and cleaning and crying (mine and theirs) have faded. There were days when I did quit. I remember how difficult the process each day presented. I remember crying and being so beyond exhausted as I'd fall asleep only to be woken moments later by a new crisis. But it slips and fades and passes.
As I walked past the fridge this morning with clarity of mind I realized how Clayton and Anthony are no longer so young. Time ticked and passed.
So how does this relate to step 5?
Last night Kjel and I were talking about how many weeks I have left before the pregnancy ends. I have 13. I sat and thought about all that can be done in 13 weeks. We laughed about how I could possibly gain more weight, I could clean the house a few more times, I could do the laundry 13 more times. We came up with all kinds of day to day processes that will happen, not maybe as fast or often as others in the house would like but they will happen. I thought deeper though and truly wondered what can I do in this next 13 weeks prior to Milo arriving? I haven't come to any magical conclusion. It's not as though life will be ending when Milo appears. It will change and there will be moments when I cry and wonder what is happening but I will then be blessed with more weeks to create.
Again, how does this relate? It seems my Yoga mind is so clear I can't come to any conclusion. Let's see if I can focus.
Confession is a difficult process. The key principle behind this one is to admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.
This step is filled with moments of hardship and trial. Find someone to be with. When the night is dark and the fun has been had and you're left with yourself, go to your elder brother, Jesus and fall asleep in his arms. He will welcome you and hold you through the dark. He transcends senses and is ever present to be. The clock ticks the same time over and over and over and the anxiety beats at your soul. You climb and cling and beg only to see that the mountain crests overhead and yet cannot be reached. At least cannot be reached alone. Fall. Give burdens to the Lord and he will lift. Time passes and what we chose to do with it cannot keep it from passing. It will move, will we? What today is impossible will tomorrow be.... This must be personally answered.
- DOn't quIT
- God loves you and you will feel his love through others.
- Consistent and constant prayer, study and meditation will help to remove/weaken pride and bring us closer to God.
- The weight of guilt and the pain of not correcting sin is burdensome. It's effects will be felt throughout the soul and physical body.
- Time passes, difficult times fade and moments of relief are waiting.
I stepped through this one. It's taken years. At times I didn't even realize that I was stepping. I now know I walked backwards, ran backwards and even stopped, dead still. Time passed, people presented themselves to teach me and comfort me, mostly to love me and show me that God has unconditional love. I will continue to take this step. It must needs be daily present in my life. Step 5 is one of those rinse and repeat deals.