I actually really like my job for many reasons:
- I can do it from home
- There's not a ton of work but enough to keep it interesting
- I really enjoy typing
- I like the challenge of trying to figure out what people are saying
That said my mind keeps wandering to this thought of jealousy. I have this natural man tendency to be jealous. It sucks. I really wish I could completely dump it from my system. Not all people are blessed with this character flaw. I have actually met people and know people who have not one bone in their body that leads them to tendencies of jealousy. I, however, have spent many years working on this and many years prior not working on it. Thus you can see it is deeply ingrained in my soul. This morning I was thinking of a person I met many years ago. A really great person. Upon first meeting there were no feelings harbored of jealousy. Really they just made for a great friend. Strangely, as life went on I found myself building up this evil jeally bug inside toward the person. As life has played out we don't even have contact with one another due to moves and time passing. It's not like we started hating each other and I caused some fight or falling out, we just grew up and grew apart. So I was reading this morning and realized that even though this person is so far from me and even though this person is SUCH A GREAT person I still can't move past my natural man instincts. I found myself doing that pray for the person and learn to love them thing. Not for their sake but for mine. Honestly, they wouldn't even know I was such a freak. I'm just sick of the burden of pride and jealousy and the way it eats me. So there I was praying and I found myself not even wanting to ask Heavenly Father to help me to be a better person. Is that pride?!! I think so. Finally, I had to result to the thinking about thinking about doing something statement of... will you please help me to want to want, to do something and get over my jealousy. I guess I'm just sharing because it's what is on my mind today and I swore when I started blogging I would only blog the truth and reality of my little life.
Another thought that continues to come to mind is that calling people on the phone is really hard for me to do. Silly isn't it! A few days ago I called someone I LOVE!! I love this person so much. She's actually one of those women I've adopted. I think she'd be okay with me being her relative. Maybe not after the above disclosure but she knows I'm imperfect so here's hoping to her still letting me claim her. When I lived near her I use to take the kids or go alone and just sit and chat with her for hours. I loved our visits. I remember once when I was in my little break down I dropped by her house. I was falling apart and Kjel told me to go visit her. I was scared (it's a silly phone thing, too) but I stopped by. This sweet woman was upstairs looking through baby clothes for her grandchild. I literally laid on the bed in the room and talked with her while she worked. I remember feeling so safe and so blessed. Through the window I watched the sun set and decided I would never leave. I wanted so much for Kjel to bring the kids and we'd move in just so I could stay in her home on that bed enjoying the peace of her presence. How fortunate to have people around us that love even though they don't have to. So I finally called her. I've been thinking about calling her for months now, but every time I went to call I came up with an excuse because like I said I'm afraid of calling people. Some people are afraid of spiders, some natural disasters, I fear the phone. I had not talked with her since Christmas and I was desperate to chat and catch up. We talked for a little while and I walked away so uplifted and wondered why had I not called her. I promised myself I would call her again soon. I would not let the phone scare me away. She's a beautiful person and I love her. I pray that those who are near her will show her love. She's taught me SO much about life and love and faith. If you get a chance in your prayers tonight pray for those who are need. There are many in need. Be specific... maybe you know someone who is lonely or ill, maybe it's you, just pray for them. I'll be praying for my dear friends body to be strong, for her to have comfort and peace and for her to find the revelation she is in need of. I will also be praying for the Lord to help me want to want, to get over my problems with jealousy.