So here I was begging for the answer and at the same time knowing I didn't want the answer. How can that be? How can I be looking for tender mercies from the Lord sharing truth with me, when I really don't want them? Am I a conundrum? Well of course. I'm guessing I already know the answer and I already agree with the answer and I'm just certain I don't want the answer. This falls in line with step 6, the change of heart thing. I've gone through the pages, the scriptures, the thoughts and I've agreed to all that is stated. There is no doubt in my mind that the words are truth and the truth with bring me closer to God and only bless my life. As I've studied I've realized that my heart cannot completely change. I understand this process is gradual, so I must give myself time. Secretly, I was thinking.... "can i just skip one step?" I know my heart has changed. I am a very different person than I once was. I know that I've made progress, however, I know there is more inside me that must change and that I am stubborn and immovable right now. Hey, I thought immovable was good. Beating the natural man is a process. I'm going to spend some more time on this step before I move on. I keep thinking there is more in there for me to gain.
So why does life suck?? Right now for me, it does not suck. I'm doing really well. I'm completely bloated with water and every morning when I wake up I've lost 6lbs of water weight, but truly this is not cause to make such a bold statement that life sucks.
This morning I texted Kjel, the usual... love you, to which he replies... ditto. I then had to add a little extra.... everything will be okay.
As of last week the company started "letting people go"
The phrase "we need to let you go," is almost like when someone breaks up with you and says it's not you, it's me. Several years ago Kjel was let go from a company. Our blessing was that this was his second job. He went back to his other job full time and all in all life went on. The part that nearly kills you is seeing someone you care about say to you, "they let me go."
Four words that cut to the core of the soul. Watching a grown man/woman share the news with you can sink you fast.
By the end of this week all the cutbacks will be complete. Those affected by this insanity will have all gone home and given the news to their families. I'm sick for those families, I'm sick for those who will have such wrenching news to share. So many, in other companies, have already done this. So many, in other companies will do this. My heart is filled with compassion for those who have or will share this news with loved ones. It will ache so much for these employees.
May you find strength where it seems it could not be present.