Sunday we had a wonderful lesson in Relief Society. Our Bishop came in and spoke to the sisters. If I were to give the lesson a title that would be unfair because he covered many topics. The topic that stood out for me the most was that of not comparing ourselves to others. I am a firm believer that we should only compare ourselves to ourselves so it was wonderful to listen to him share this and then hear the sisters agree with him.
So, why did I cry the entire meeting? Why did I have to sneak out the door before I started sobbing and making an embarrassment of myself? (BTW: I practically stumbled out the door and drew more attention to myself than I had wanted. So much for a quiet get away)
A kind lady said something that helped me figure out why I was so distraught. She said something to the effect of, We have to try our best, all we have to do is try hard and we all know when we're trying our hardest. That's when it hit me. It was those words that tail-spun me toward the ground. Funny, because most of the room perked up. I sat and wondered and wondered and my wondering led me to that dark place that I have to shut out of my mind.
I'll share with you what drops me flat and brings instant worry and tears to my inner soul.
See, I'm too tired to compare myself to others because I'm too busy comparing myself to myself. My biggest fear in life is that I'll get to heaven and the Lord will say, 'I had big plans for you but you couldn't live up to the responsibility I gave you.'
See how sick I am. Now you know why I don't have time to think about how I don't measure up to you. I'm too busy thinking about how I don't measure up to me.
What if I'm not really trying my hardest? or doing my best?
I let my mind spend a little time there today and I will no longer focus my attention that direction because I know it leads nowhere good and comes to no answers and only sadness. Moving on!