Yesterday, I was pent up with anger and madness and anger. I spent most of the day swearing under my breath and in a fit of selfishness littered a page of my journal with hate. I then removed the page and ripped it into small pieces. I wanted to let the pain blow into the wind but instead kept it in my pocket. Why not harbor it a little longer? After I tucked everyone in bed last night I knelt on my floor and sobbed. So personal. So tender, so ugly. You know that ugly cry? If you've never been there, you will one day. It's okay to have an ugly cry. Years ago when I was studying to be a beautiful dancer who would share my emotions through my body's movement, I was in a class and a teacher shared with us the importance of crying. Our body literally needs to release tears so that it can move through the emotions and get us to the other side.
The other side. I'm working on that. I will get there. I will one day share what will then be joy, but for now wait until I can hold my head high and share the joy.
So last nights tears brought me to this humble place of communion. I wept bitterly. I laid it all before the Lord. I allowed my heart to yell and my soul to spill its ugly. This morning there is light. I'd say it was the sunshine that is bursting through every inch of my home but it's not just the rays of warmth from the yellow sun above. Today, I allow myself to feel warmth from the Son.