Today, I was given two compliments. I shot down both and tried to end the conversation as soon as possible. I was taught to take compliments graciously but I must say I fail at this terribly. I really don't know how to take a compliment. So I've been thinking a little bit about why a compliment is something I'd rather not get.
Here's my conclusion.
First, more than once when I was in Elementary school I was given a compliment only to thank the person and have them turn around and laugh. I would then hear them say to their friend, "She thought I was serious." "she really thinks _______." Now, this didn't do any kind of extreme damage to me but it keeps me on my toes and there's a tiny little piece of me that always wonders what someone is really trying to say. I know it's confusing. I find that a lot of those weird thoughts that were created in my young years are odd.
Second, and this is the more prevalent reason, when I'm given a compliment I then feel stress that I have to live up to that compliment. So, for example, someone today told me congrats on the pregnancy and then when on to say that they think I'm a great mother. I quickly quipped that I'm just insane. They said, "I wanted to give you a compliment, not many people can handle a large family and you do such a great job." I tried to be gracious but inside all I felt was pressure and fear. Pressure to somehow figure out what I'm doing that's so great, fear that I wouldn't be able to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing and then also confusion because honestly, I'm not doing anything different than anyone else. Unless, you're not yelling at your kids? I'm just hanging on (ocassionally letting go) and trying to survive. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I love to dish out compliments. I see so many wonderful people and acts of goodness all around me. I'm constantly amazed at people's thoughtfulness. I have so many good examples and teachers. People, I secretly watch and learn so much from. Please, please, please don't put me or the family on a pedestal, we'll fall and the higher you stick us the further the fall. I can't take that kind of pressure.