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| 26 Weeks Pregnant |
I have to first begin by saying that I know that I am spoiled to get the blessing of another child. I recognize that there are those who would give up and have given up so much to have a child join their family. I can't even begin to understand the emotions they've been pulled through as they work through this trial in their life.
I am hoping I can portray my feelings without sounding selfish and ungrateful. Although, there may still be those who feel that I am a perfect example of those two words. I'm sorry for any offense I may cause.
Here's where I am.
I'm truly scared. This time there isn't the fear of delivery or late nights or baby crying. I've felt those fears in past pregnancies and maybe as time passes I'll experiences those in this one. Currently, my fear is not about adding another baby. It's about adding another child.
Whatever stage of life we're in there are times when we feel completely overwhelmed. I look back to when I was a mom to just one, my dear Clayton. I was vanquished day and night by the responsibility of caring for this little soul. My fears were real and my emotions were close to the surface. Most of my time as a new mom I was completely confused and lost. I just kept putting in 24 hours and hoping something was going right. I loved my dear son and I worried that I was going to mess up this perfect spirit. That little boy is now 16 and I still worry I'm messing up. It's a different worry. I'm not so concerned that I'll break him physically but that I could seriously mess him up spiritually or emotionally or.... insert crazy mom stress.
My ability to do my role as mom has changed but with that change my job has also changed. While I still change diapers and make meals there's so much more involved than those first few years. It's not any harder. I hate the whole, "just you wait until...(teenagers, crawling, leave the house)" This statement is frustrating to me because when I was a mom to just littles I was strained, now I'm a mom to littles, middles, and bigs and I'm still strained. You're telling me that it's only going to get harder? That's bull $#!* It doesn't get harder, it gets different and as it changes so do the people doing the love.
Back on topic. I feel overwhelmed with expectations of caring for this child and continuing to care for the other dear children in my life. It's likely no different than when I added child two, three, four..... but it feels intense and exhausting and there are days I don't feel prepared or capable to live up to the expectations.
When I was pregnant with number four, I cried to my cousin, Stacie. I told her there was no way I could take care of four children. I was barely keeping it going with three. She gave me advice that pulled me through that pregnancy and helped me gain confidence. "God is blessing you with four children. He will bless you with the ability to care for those four children."
I think I'm going to start reciting this to build up my confidence. It can be my morning affirmation. "God is blessing me with four children. He will bless me with the ability to care for those four children." Oh crap! I mean seven!
My ability to do my role as mom has changed but with that change my job has also changed. While I still change diapers and make meals there's so much more involved than those first few years. It's not any harder. I hate the whole, "just you wait until...(teenagers, crawling, leave the house)" This statement is frustrating to me because when I was a mom to just littles I was strained, now I'm a mom to littles, middles, and bigs and I'm still strained. You're telling me that it's only going to get harder? That's bull $#!* It doesn't get harder, it gets different and as it changes so do the people doing the love.
Back on topic. I feel overwhelmed with expectations of caring for this child and continuing to care for the other dear children in my life. It's likely no different than when I added child two, three, four..... but it feels intense and exhausting and there are days I don't feel prepared or capable to live up to the expectations.
When I was pregnant with number four, I cried to my cousin, Stacie. I told her there was no way I could take care of four children. I was barely keeping it going with three. She gave me advice that pulled me through that pregnancy and helped me gain confidence. "God is blessing you with four children. He will bless you with the ability to care for those four children."
I think I'm going to start reciting this to build up my confidence. It can be my morning affirmation. "God is blessing me with four children. He will bless me with the ability to care for those four children." Oh crap! I mean seven!