I woke early Sunday morning, July 27th, to use the bathroom. Nothing unusual there. Afterward I had felt some tightening. I went to climb back in bed and noticed that my side of the bed had been commandeered by Matthias so I grabbed a couple pillows and headed to the main level to settle in on the couch. The past few days I'd had lots of experience with contractions. Nothing crazy but there were several times I was just certain it was going to happen. I figured this was one of those times.
I settled in on the couch and decided to listen to the HypnoBirthing relaxation/meditation mp3. After about 2 minutes I decided I couldn't stand to hear the ladies voice. I was surprised I had so much hostility toward her voice because I've loved listening to her for the last 6 months. I noticed I was continuing to have contractions so I pulled up the app on my phone to track my contractions. Can you believe there's an app for that?
I noticed they were coming irregularly but they were gaining in length and intensity. I decided it was time to wake Kjel and get a second opinion. He and I talked for a moment and then at about 3:30, I called the Midwife. After sharing the information with her she wanted me to call her back in 30 minutes and let her know what was happening.
I then went to the bathroom again. I had two very intense contractions while in the bathroom and when I came back out I let Kjel know he needed to call her and that it was GO time.
I'm not really sure what happened from here. At this point I decided to settle into my own space and zone. I remember knowing that without a doubt I was going to have a baby. I remember being overwhelmed and excited and even scared. I'd say these are all standard about to deliver a baby emotions for me. I did have Kjel give me a blessing. I wish I could remember what he said. I do remember that as he started giving me the blessing I thought of my Grandma Nina. After Kjel finished the blessing he told me that he felt very strongly that Grandma Nina was in heaven taking care of our son and that she would be the one that would hand him over. At that point my heart was joyous and sad. It was beautiful to think that my son was with my lovely Grandma. I was heartbroken that I'd be taking him from her. I thought of their last moments together. I wondered if he was a grown man or a small baby? I ached for her as she knew the time was short.
Labor was intensifying and I remember thinking I just didn't have the strength in me. I'm really not a strong to the finish kind of person. I try and try but often times I quit. Delivering a baby doesn't really give you the opportunity to quit. You get to keep going even when you're certain there is nothing left.
This delivery was physically very difficult. I didn't realize how much fear was still inside of me. Fear makes it difficult for the body to naturally birth. I thought that I had conquered all the big and little fears that were trenched deep in my soul. I thought I had taken my power back. I learned that morning that there is work to be done.
I was laying on my bed feeling the surges. With each surge I was vocalizing. I had this deep whale like sound going on. I later found out that Kjel was certain I was channeling Satan. Thanks babe, I appreciate your confidence. I remember people kept asking me questions. All I could think was, just solve it. Kjel wanted to know if I wanted the camcorder on. I did! But I told him I didn't care, because honestly at that moment I really didn't care what any one did about anything. I just needed to focus.
I needed to stand up so the sheets on my bedcould be changed to an old set. I wasn't sure I could come to a standing position. With the help of Kimberly (my Midwife), Kristy (her apprentice) and Kjel (you know him) I was able to stand up. Instantly, the contractions let up. The pain was significantly lessened. I did need Kjel's help when the surges began and his back is now seriously messed up since having his beautiful wife hanging all her weight off of him. I couldn't believe what a difference this position made. I stayed standing and would have labored the rest of the time in this position except that I knew I was killing Kjel. So, I knelt beside my bed. Oh, the relief was tremendous. I don't remember the intense pain. There was still pressure and my body was still working but the pain had lifted.
I don't know how much time passed or how long I was in different positions or what was going on around me. Occasionally, I came into the world but most of the time I was on my own path just pressing forward oblivious to the world. Time stands still or it speeds up; really it's just owns no presence.
I realized that my body was saying it was time to push so I started to bear down. I know I asked Kristy to pull the baby out. Of course that's not realistic but I just felt so helpless for a moment. Then there was a surge of energy inside of me and suddenly I found myself with the strength to say I can. I can do this. I held onto Kjel's arms. I don't remember squeezing them fiercely but he'll tell you otherwise. I just remember holding on to him and being so thankful that I had him right there at that moment. I heard Kimberly ask him if he wanted to catch the baby. Prior to this moment I had wanted him to actively participate and catch the baby. He's never been interested in being involved in this manner. I was beyond thankful when he graciously denied the opportunity. All I could think was, please don't leave me, don't leave me alone. I need you right here taking care of me.
At 6:28 baby boy arrived. The intensity, the build-up, the moment was here and gone in a fleeting instant. I looked down at him and saw his sweet eyes. He was very calm and hardly making a noise. I wanted to have the strength to pick him up and snuggle him to my chest. Instead, I stared at him. I watched him and he watched me and we were no longer one together. The joy and sadness succumb.
Kristy helped me into bed and placed my son on my chest. I remember tilting my head back and feeling so much joy to have my dear son in my arms, snuggled against my chest. Bliss.
Again, time passes and there's bustling all around me but all I can do is feel the warmth of my small child's body and his breath on my skin. I'm wrapped in magnificence.
I come to my surroundings and I can hear the kids on the main level. Kimberly and Kristy are checking for tearing. There is some small tearing so Kimberly stitches me. I'm not sure the order but I also get to cut the cord. Kjel wasn't interested so they asked me if I wanted to. I was completely game. I expected it to feel momentous. I did have a twinge of sadness that again the moment passes but other than that it was not a big experience for me.
I settle back into my bed and the kids join us. They're so happy to meet their brother. I love that they can all climb on my bed and hold him and love on him. Tony steps up to weigh baby. I love that he gets to participate in this moment. Nicholas helps to measure baby. Again, such a great experience for these boys. They took turns loving little brother. They held him and snuggled him and got all in my face about naming him. I've never felt so much elation. I wish I could have bottled the joy inside and opened it a day later when the crap hit the fan and my body and mind realized that they'd just had a baby.
We spent the day as a family. The kids came and went from my room and took turns loving their brother. It was a gift to be at home in my surroundings as I began the process of healing. It was the little things that made all the difference.
Here's the thing though, I find I'm still a huge proponent for women choosing. I wouldn't force a home birth or a natural birth or an epidural or whatever new or old fangled idea on any one. I think that while each of my deliverires have been different the end result was a beautiful baby in my arms. It didn't matter if I'd done an epidural or gone natural. In the end I was holding a beautiful baby.