Years back I read, The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. It was brimming over with incredible insight. One of these tidbits of knowledge was that it's none of my business what other people think of me. I felt empowered.
And yet I've realized that while I have many weaknesses, one of my strongest weaknesses is my concern for what others think.
A few nights ago I hand picked the books to read to the little ones before tucking them into bed. I chose Max Lucado's book, You Are Special. It brought this truth back to heart and reminded me that I'm too concerned with others thoughts.
Most recently, I found myself sitting at church and wondering what others would do if their kids didn't want to come to church. I have a few kids that aren't interested in church and with Kjel choosing to step away I find it difficult to force unwilling children to attend. So I sat in my pew and wondered what the right thing to do would be. But, this leads me to wondering what others would think the right answer is. Which only heightens my awareness of my failings and leaves me feeling drained.
When was the last time you heard someone say, "Well, if it were me, I wouldn't.... or, If it were me, I would have...." Maybe, you know this sentence? I think I worry too much about how many people are using this sentence and then throwing my life and choices in to get a conversation going or make themselves feel better about their own choices. I suspect there may be others like me who find themselves trapped as they process through questions and are looking for answers.
Again, I shouldn't worry about what others think about me. Right. I think I would find myself happier as a person if I could move past this. I know I'd be less paralyzed in my decision making and life-living if I could move past this.
Another interesting thought... On Sunday someone posed the question, "Why are we here on Earth?" The answers ranged but one caught my attention and particularly the reply the teacher gave. The answer was, to prove to God who we are and what we are capable of. The teacher replied with, It's not about proving this to God, it's about proving this to ourselves, God already know what we're going to do and who we are and what we're capable of. This used to bring me so much comfort. But, now I'm asking, If God already knows what I'm going to do then why do this? I know, the experience. Right, I get that but thinking on a deeper level. Could he not just assign me my final resting place and then give me some time on earth to have experiences? Can I spend my time on earth experiencing and not worry so much about what's going to happen in the end. God already knows, right? It's not like I'm going to disappoint him. I don't intend for this to sound sarcastic or sassy in anyway. I'm legitimately thinking this.
I think I spend too much time thinking. It's time to pick up kids from school. It's a good thing they distract me or my brain might self destruct.